My camera’s had this particularly annoying issue for the past few months where giant black dots appear on the image. As you can imagine, this proves problematic when I’m actually taking pictures of giant black dots. Or polkadots. Or ladybugs. You get the idea.

The issue is that, over time a digital SLR’s sensor will get dirty. Dust and pocket lint and nacho cheese will find a way to adhere itself to the electronic sensor, and these artifacts will appear in the final picture – but only in certain conditions. For example, wider apertures, like 2.8 render the dust near-invisible. But when I go to take long exposures, or use a smaller aperture – say, f/9 – years of neglect become more visible than I’d like. Which means my portraits now portray everyone as lepers. It is my own special brand of social commentary.

Cleaning the sensor is a pretty simple affair, though it is easy to fuck things up. If you damage the sensor, you now have a very expensive brick – albeit, one with an LCD screen. Things not to do include poking, scratching, scraping or licking any part of the sensor. Instead, a magic concoction, composed of pixie dust and the tears of a wronged girlfriend, must be applied liberally with a felt-tipped applicator, all purchased from your local Henrys. This will remove the year of neglect and cookie dust forced upon the poor sensor.

Today I did all these things, and I’m happy to say, I did not fuck up. In fact, you might say it was a great success, and my camera shoots like new again. Figure 1, pictured above, is a testament to this. Chloe looks pleased.

Next time, we learn how to make a camera strap from jerky – food and function.

So, it appears that I’ve acquired a puppy.

After years of nagging, ass-kissing and subliminal messages, my family brought home a nine-week old Sheltie, named Chloe. Let it be known she is the epitome of cute.

We got her from a nice couple who breeds them just outside of Stratford, Ontario, and they even did some preliminary training before she got here, so the transition’s actually been fairly smooth.

One of the things that a number of family and friends warned me about was the whining. It will be lonely the first couple weeks, they warned – sleepless night’s were apparently going to be a daily staple with Chloe. Yet, surprisingly, she’s been incredibly well-behaved since bringing her home this past Sunday. Every time she’s in the crate, she usually ends up napping. And if she does whine, it never lasts for more than a minute or two.

She’s gotten far more comfortable outside of the crate in recent days, which has been a huge relief; if all goes well, I’d like to have some basic training and commands down within the next two to three weeks. As of today, she no longer bites on the carpeting near the Piano, and actually realizes that bringing her to the grass means she should pee.

Stairs are still a challenge. She can go up the outside stairs, but not down them. Inside the house, she simply avoids them. So for now, it’s a lot of carrying, and trying to slowly goad her forward with treats. Progress is slow, but definitely working.

One of the nice things about Chloe is that she doesn’t bark very much. She knows when to play, but actually has enough docile moments lying on the carpet or staring at the TV to make keeping her out of the crate for extended periods more manageable. It means that I don’t feel as obligated to keep her busy when she’s out, as she usually can keep herself occupied – but out of trouble.

Amusingly enough, she doesn’t appear completely comfortable with music yet. If I play the piano or guitar, it keeps her out of the room, although she’ll still watch from a reasonable distance. In the basement, I tried some of Elton John’s “Rocket Man”, but that sent her scampering behind a hanging sweater. Perhaps she’s just not a fan of vinyl?

Outside, she seems to react similarly to cars so far. Obviously she’s never anywhere close to moving vehicles as they pass, but when they do pass, she simply sits down and stares at them as they go by. It’s peculiar, because she doesn’t shy away, but simply stays immobile. A little tug gets her going again, but I’d really like to nip that little aversion in the bud, if possible.

So far, the reaction has been a little overwhelming, to be honest. It turns out that, like babies, if there’s one thing people can’t resist it’s a puppy. There’s something about the way she just stares that makes people melt.

Well, most people, anyways. While most people concede that Chloe is, in fact, cute, I’ve actually gotten quite a few, varying responses…

I’m worried. Puppy protection program? Do such things exist?