• Weight. You will gain it. This is inevitable, much like the sunrise, city traffic, and bad haircuts. In fact, this is the time of year during which you will probably gain the most weight. After starving yourself for a solid week, and then fainting during your first Pro Fitness trial membership visit, food will cease to be optional. Enjoy it. Lots of it.
• Money. You might decide that this is the year to stop spending money so carelessly. You will think this is a novel idea, and text all your friends the glorious news. At 15 cents per message. Whoops.
• Sports. We live in Canada. This time of year is generally called “Winter”. It is the time of year when snow covers the ground, the wind cuts like razor blades, and people toboggan drunk down hills in cardboard boxes. Inexplicably, it is also a time during which a surprisingly large amount of Canadians decide to take up traditional “summer” sports, like golf, basbeall, and competitive table tennis. Icicles dangling from my beard, be damned — real character is built on the iceflows of our streets, and in the snowdrifts of our parks.
• Literature. Somehow, amidst the drunken revelry and ponging of beer, you will decide that you miss the smell of a musty old book. Perusing Hello Canada and Archie comics at the grocery checkout is no longer cutting it. However, now might be a good time to mention that Homer’s Odyssey is not, in fact, an anthology of Simpson’s episodes.
• Music. By some strange stroke of fate, you are entranced by the Black Eyed Peas’ new years performance. Nevermind that Fergie is cosplaying as Wolverine — there is clearly nothing cooler than becoming a musical artist. You will buy a guitar, which is doomed to lie beneath your bed, hidden away until you finish college. You will learn one chord, and break a string. This is living the dream.
• Women. Each new year brings with it the foolish assumption that the arbitrary turning of a calendar page increases your chance of finding a mate. Perhaps, you think, this is the year that Sally Mathers in the third row of PHL-322 will finally talk to you. However, a woman’s memory lasts longer than 365 days. That time you spilled Dr. Pepper on her notes is forever. No passage of time will change that. This, nor any other, is “the year” you will finally find a woman.

That is all. Heed my advice. Happy decade.